Mind Closet

It’s a retorical question when someone ask you about “how things going? are you doing well? feel more comfortable yet?”. Damn, that is not the way you should ask right?.. hahaha… Well, when you set up in a totally new place, you should know that everything would be so weird and awkward to you, about how things going? so far so good… but to what extent the good one is? I guess I myself couldn’t picture it yet, feel more comfortable? hmmm, nothing’s different frankly to say, but yet, it’s different.

Here I am in my room typing this stupid blog here to fill in my leisure time on Saturday night.. hahaha… :))

My first work day experience run rather smooth. I dressed up properly, not much, not less. I was pretty confident with my self, accompanied by my other university fellows, we went to the meeting point and greeted other new hires nicely as well. I’m not really an easy going person, but I guess I was doing well in making new friends here. Up to this second week (now I’m in the middle of training days, should be completed at the end of this month), I can tell you I have decreased my ‘friendlybility’ (or whatsoever you may call it) level, and here it goes my story for you tonight :).

As usual, experiencing the first time ever has never been so easy, either for you or me. I know I can’t whine too long about this, but yeah, I guess the intensity level of my nervousness is getting higher and higher day by day, and it is visible. As my self pretty aware, I’m a bit lacking in technical thingy, and here it goes ruining my confidence level. I have met a lot of awesome persons here, and they are all competitive.. geesh… Many questions flying in my head, what are they? who am I? hahahaa… 

Well, I really believe I have that kind of experience many times before and I have successfully overcome all. This one should be indifferent… I can overcome these difficulties and I hope until that time appears, I can pump up my spirit up high :)

Shallom :)

sometimes i get to a point where i really want to curse someone i dont like.. but suddenly a voice inside my head says “hold on, she was once kind to you” and i stop on being mad at her.. #Godistrulyexists :)

a. pernah merasa kecewa sama temen sendiri? gw sering

b. pernah dikecewain bener-bener sama temen sendiri? gw sering

c. pernah mengecewakan temen sendiri? gw juga sering

semua udah pernah gw alami, tapi ga pernah membuat gw terbiasa akan kondisi seperti itu.. dan gw ga pernah mau terbiasa..

sialnya gw terjebak dalam option b sekarang, dikecewain sama temen sendiri.

apa sih yang ngebedain option a dan b? menurut gw “merasa kecewa” dan “dikecewain” memiliki arti yang berbeda…

the first one (“merasa kecewa”) stated that you are still in the ambiguos feeling of yours, whether it is true or not that your friends disappoint you, it is still unclear, you just go with your feeling and believe that he/she/they really do(es) something differently than you expect.

the later one (“dikecewain”) has a deeper meaning. ini berarti kamu udah bener-bener secara nyata menerima perlakuan yang membuat kamu kecewa. tapi kondisi ini tidak menuntut kamu untuk kecewa sama sekali, dan itu lebih menyakitkan karena kamu memahami betul apa penyebab mereka mengecewakan kamu. kamu sakit hati, tapi kamu ga boleh kecewa dengan mereka. it hurts, doesnt it?

gw ga peduli apa pun yang temen gw lakuin ke gw sekarang. gw selalu paksa diri gw untuk tersenyum di hadapan mereka, cuma terkadang gw ga tau lagi harus apa selain diam dan menghindar. sampai kapan dan apa hasil dari tindakan gw selama ini gw ga tau pasti. kalau mereka memang temen baik gw, mereka akan sadar dan berhenti mengecewakan gw dan gw akan lebih memahami mereka. kalo mereka bukan temen yang baik, gw akan tetap nganggep mereka temen gw, temen yang datang ke hidup gw sebagai pelajaran. gw ga akan pernah benci mereka. gw akan selalu mendoakan yang terbaik buat mereka. sadar atau ga nya mereka akan tindakannya ke gw, gw bakal abaikan. 

mungkin sekarang saat nya gw ngatur emosi gw sendiri yang sangat labil. terkadang gw ga bisa ngebendung emosi gw. air mata terus ngalir tanpa sebab yang jelas dan hati gw sakit. tapi apa daya, gw harus tetep berpikir jernih. otak gw harus jalan juga. dan gw tau persis itu bukan salah mereka. gw yang salah. gw harus nerima. dan gw akan coba biar gw ga meledak. walaupun di post sebelumnya gw state gw bakal meledak dan bakal ninggalin beberapa orang, itu cuma emosi sesaat.

dan gw tau gw lagi coba berbohong di postingan ini. itu semua di atas adalah harapan gw akan temen-temen dan diri gw sendiri. dan sungguh, gw ga tahan kondisi kaya gini.

I am just a human

I have a heart just like you do

And my heart is a fragile one

It has been hurt recently and the pain lingers on

I can’t stay smiling in front of you all

I feel so much tired and the tears have overflowed this much

I might be exploding very soon

I don’t care anymore because I don’t feel nor think you would care either

I am scared of losing my surroundings now but moreover I am scared of losing my heart

I am only human

Do not expect too much of me

You will lose me soon 

And I promise I will take care of my heart better without you all.

I would like to write some of my experiences in this November to you..

Some people would say that this November is a full rain month. Literally, it is indeed =)

I don’t want to say that this is a bad month for the rain cause, but it surely gives us, especially me, a bad impact :(

At the beginning of this November, I started to pump my heart faster. What for? Yeah, this dateline thing started to killing me.. :))

I have promised to myself that I will finish all of my duty well during this month, with no exception.

But exceptions always do exist.. I got sick just before the marriage day of my cousin. Miraculously, at the wedding day I was totally fine.. No wonder, it was all His job :)

Soon after that, I guessed God wanted me to take a rest for a while. He stated that I was positevely sick, and that kind of sickness called Hepatitis A (or most known as yellow disease). This kind of yellow thing has been popular in our university environment lately, and I was sucked deep into that trend *sigh*. One of my biggest regret for being sick is that I could not celebrate my mom’s birthday in a proper way. I gave her the sick me as a birthday present :( sorry Mom!

Have you experienced this kind of feeling? Whether you don’t even know what to do, just want to live your life normally but then people started to avoid you because of something you don’t even sure about? And that sort of avoidance was really understandable for you then you just dumped out your stupid irritated feeling for an excuse. You were well aware of not making harm to anybody and you thought yourself of being punished, and that was a normal thing… haven’t you????

I have.. and that was an initial feeling I have since I was judged to have this kind of disease. Started out from my auntie’s family, to my own parents, to my whole family, to my friends, to him, her, and other random people I don’t even know :( 

Karma does exist for I was just alarmed that I did this kind of treatment a long time ago to one of my dearest friend. Avoiding her without considering about her feeling. I was so stupid, and now I’m being her. No problem for me, I am receiving mine.

But afterall, yellow is my favorite color, and so it goes in my recent life in November, all related to this color. Started from the worst thing to the promising thing, all yellow. Is this a sign? Let’s wait and see :) 

So here is the November kaleisdoscope for you, I had my own fun, I had my own troubles, I dealed with those, and I prayed a lot. 

Let life goes the way it is. I just want to enjoy what God wants me to. :)

Last but not least, I would like to send my most sincere prayer for my mom who is sick right now. I wish her always all the best. May you are recovered soon mom. I love you and I feel bad for not being around her for treating her just like what she did to me while I was sick. I believe that God will always protect you wherever you are. Love you and dad always.

regards,

Elisa

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Emotion is something that is possessed by everybody. Although you claim yourself as a freaky calm guy, you still can feel several feelings like sorry, sad, regret, disappointed, mad, angry, happy, and so on.

I declare myself first as a calm girl. I’d rather be cool in every situation than to be overreacting. Sometimes I break that image, just like today.

I really am mad of the person who can’t keep his promise, and unfortunately, that man that I have put my trust on and I need him so badly (selfishly just to finish my thesis though) has disappointed me this successively. I raised my pitch to the lady on the phone who keep on commanding me to call his mister an hour later until postponed it till the next day. What did I do wrong? I mean, I have the right to be served well. I’m just an undergraduate student who needs help from him who has promised me, WILLINGLY, to prepare all the things I need, and will gladly help me and support me, and all other good things! God!

I raised my expectation too high toward this company. Why did I being pinged here and ponged there without any certainty?? I have my own target Sir!!!

huff… really… after all, God still want me to know that I’m not the poorest one. I feel really sorry to my friend who also today feels very sad. I could not tell the detail here but, well, today has given us a precious lesson, that we can’t always get what we want.. but if we try sometimes we’ll find what we need..

regards,

Elisa

I am capable.. not in many ways because I am still normal.. but in certain way I believe.. I am capable!!!!!

I will be not wasted… *huh*